


Crazy (but all the best people are)

by blackkat



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [58]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Friendship, Haku is Suffering, Humor, M/M, Team 9 goes to Wave, Zabuza did not sign up for any of this, Zabuza's sexuality is muscles, vaguely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 09:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12055719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackkat/pseuds/blackkat
Summary: Maybe getting dragged all the way from Wave to Konoha won't turn out to be such torture after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt: ALRIGHT CONSIDER OK so my friend had a midnight OH SHIT moment and thought of gai/zabuza because holy shit. Gai seeing zabuza as a "what if" version of Kakashi Bc the whole //I'm a tool I exist only to be used by the village// thing and the fact he's shunned for his demonic chakra and bloodthirsty nature and Kakashi is shunned for his father !!! Imagine gai being like yes ok ur my second eternal rival and determined to help zabuza out of the darkness like he did with Kakashi AND IMAGINE THEIR KIDS??? tenten being ecstatic because swordsman!! And pestering him for lessons and neji and haku!!! Them sparring and neji determined to find a way I beat his ice mirror jutsu and just imagine zabuza taking one look at Lee and being like oh god not a mini ok kid get over here and I’m gonna teach u how to use a sword it’s for the greater good and haku just is so amused and happy Bc gai is a ray I sunshine and it’s good ok

Zabuza is honestly still waiting for the other sandal to drop.

“And _this_ one!” the admirably bloodthirsty little girl breathes with clear reverence, lifting a sword off the wall and turning to offer it to him.

Feeling mostly bemused, Zabuza takes it, judging the balance, and feels his eyebrows climb involuntarily. “Well now,” he says, checks the forger’s stamp on the hilt, and whistles. “Where’d a brat like you get a Toye blade?”

Rather than taking offense, Tenten beams. “I took it off a samurai in northern Ame,” she says cheerfully. “He had no idea how to use a sword. I was doing the world a favor.”

Zabuza chuckles, because this brat he can connect with. He flips the sword up, catches it, and tries a couple of thrusts, and it’s not Kubikiribōchō, but it still moves like a dream, folded steel glimmering blue like ripples of water.

Tenten watches him like a proud parent showing off her children, hands clasped in front of her as she bounces on her toes. Almost reminds him of Mei, really, though she likes sharp things more than lava. Likes sharp thing a _lot_ , seeing as the walls of her apartment are pretty much floor-to-ceiling weapon racks, and that’s not even counting the scrolls full of more standard weapons piled high on a shelf.

If only the rest of her team were like her, honestly.

From the kitchen, there's a loud cry of victory in two voices, and Zabuza swears he can feel his eye twitch. Tenten doesn’t even seem to notice as she takes the Toye blade from him and carefully sets it back in its stand, but Zabuza supposes it would take a lot more than a bit of noise to shake her if she’s really been on the lunatic’s team for a whole year already.

“Second rival!” said lunatic cries, skidding around the corner to present him with a beaming smile and two thumbs up. “We have successfully created a meal that will nourish your flames of Youth! Come, my friend! It is ready!”

Zabuza has encountered more exclamation points in the last two days than he had in his entire _life_ before this, and he isn’t quite sure what to think of it. He eyes Gai for a moment, then glances past him at Haku, who is splattered liberally with what is probably batter and is frazzled but trying not to look it. The Hyuuga kid seems entirely resigned to his fate as he carefully wrings out his long hair over the sink, and Zabuza can't see the clone thing but he can hear crashing off to the side.

How the hell were they beaten by these ridiculous people, Zabuza thinks, and resists the urge to drag his hands over his face.

“We’re not friends,” he tells Gai. “You tied me up and dragged me to this shitty village and I am going to kick your ass for it.”

Gai's grin, if anything, grows _wider_. “Yosh, you are clearly full of Youthful Vigor! It warms my heart to see such spirit in my second eternal rival! Shall we have a rematch? Our intense man to man battle starts now!” He drops into one of the fighting poses Zabuza had originally mocked, but by now Zabuza _knows better_. This guy is terrifying. And not just because of the spandex.

“Not in my apartment, Gai-sensei,” Tenten says almost absently, like this is so common it’s become rote. “And careful where you say that. If Hatake hears he has a rival for your affections, he’ll get jealous.”

Zabuza blinks, then turns to look at Gai again. Just how popular _is_ this bastard?

“You got dipping sauce on your jumpsuit,” Neji says blandly, on his way past with a tray of bowls.

“Ah!” Gai wails, and his hand immediately goes to the zipper of his outfit. “If I don’t get it out immediately, the stain will set!”

There's a clatter from the kitchen, and the mini-clone skids around the corner exactly like Gai did. “Gai-sensei! I have filled the sink! I will defeat this stain and it will no longer mar the green of our Youthful and manly outfits!”

“Lee! You are going to grow into a great man! One of the Flames of Youth lighting Konoha!” Gai cries, and—Zabuza is pretty sure he’s crying. Those are _tears_. Backlit by a _sunset_.

He has no idea what’s going on here.

“You’ll get used to it,” Neji tells him, over the cries of _Lee!_ and _Gai-sensei!_ filling the air.

“Or go mad,” Tenten adds, more cheerfully than is really warranted, on her way past.

Haku edges out of the kitchen, takes one look at the scene, and then clearly decides that Neji is the only safe territory and beats a hasty retreat to practically hide behind him.

Zabuza snorts, though he definitely doesn’t disagree, and turns from staring judgmentally at his apprentice to glace disbelievingly at Gai. He’s just in time to see green spandex go flying, and—

Oh.

_Oh._

Zabuza’s hardly a slouch in the muscles department—Kubikiribōchō is an iron sword as tall as he is, and it takes a hell of a lot of strength and a good bit of chakra to use it well. But Gai makes him look like a reedy little genin, and Zabuza already got his ass kicked _thoroughly_ , knows that Gai very well could crush his head like a melon. He hadn’t seen the _muscles_ , though, and that horrible bodysuit hides a hell of a lot.

Zabuza carefully checks that he’s not drooling, tears his eyes away from the way those boxers hug Gai's truly awe-inspiring ass, and grabs Tenten by the arm as she passes.

The girl’s cunning enough to trip up Haku; she’s definitely his best bet here.

“Who’s this Hatake asshole?” he demands. “A boyfriend?”

Tenten blinks at him for a moment, then tilts her head thoughtfully. “His first eternal rival,” she says, studying him. “They’ve been friends since they were kids.”

Zabuza has a lot of work to do, then. He grits his teeth, then meets Tenten's eyes. “How much would I have to pay you to run interference?”

Tenten beams, bouncing on her toes. “Swordsmanship lessons,” she says blissfully. “And three new weapons.”

He strangles a groan, but casts a look over her collection anyway. He’s going to have to try _really fucking hard_ to find some she doesn’t already have—her hoard is impressive, especially for a genin. But—

He takes another look at Gai, who’s currently flexing for no apparent reason except _fuck_ that is a pretty picture, Zabuza has not wanted someone to fuck him this badly _ever_ —and then back at Tenten, who’s managing to toe the line between innocent and devilish with all the best qualities of both.

 _Worth it_ , he decides without even hesitating.

“Deal,” he says.

Tenten wiggles gleefully. “Weapons!” she says, and practically floats away to keep Lee from destroying her kitchen in his enthusiasm. Zabuza watches her go, then turns at the feel of eyes on him and looks straight into Haku's slightly horrified and wholly judging stare.

It’s probably a bad sign that Zabuza doesn’t even feel an ounce of shame. He just shrugs helplessly, waving a hand at Gai—still flexing, still glorious—in illustration, and Haku groans and buries his face in his hands.

Zabuza chuckles. Maybe getting dragged all the way from Wave to Konoha won't turn out to be such torture after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For an idea TheTartWitch left in a review, and also this prompt on Tumblr: Question! Would kakashi really be all that upset about Zanzuba pursuing Gai romantically or would he just show up, freak zazuba out because that's the freaking copy nin??? The copy nin is his romantic rival? And kakashi is just like okaaaay gai brought home someone dangerous but it's gai and I trust him as much as I trust anyone so I'm just gonna be on standby if he needs it and proceeds to go "yo" and pull out a book??

“Hey, Hatake!” a cheerful voice calls.

Kakashi blinks, looking up from is book to find one of Gai's genin jogging towards him. Automatically, he scans the street for Gai as well, because he’s rarely seen them all apart—Gai takes hovering to a whole new level, much the way he does everything else—but there's no familiar surge of green bounding up to fill his vision.

“…Neji,” he greets.

She rolls her eyes at him. “I'm _Tenten_ ,” she says pointedly. “And Gai-sensei is near Ichiraku right now.”

That was surprisingly much more helpful than Kakashi expected. Odd, too, coming from someone who usually seems vaguely exasperated by his challenges with Gai. “Thanks,” he says, trying not to let the suspicion creep into his tone. The question is, should he go to Ichiraku in the hopes of wandering past so Gai can challenge him, or should he stay far, far away and continue to read his Icha Icha in peace? What is _Tenten_ angling for, by feeding him this information? Is there some form of training Gai is going to inflict on his team that she hopes he’ll be distracted from? Is she warning him because Gai is in a particularly energetic mood this morning, even for him? Is there some other, unknown reason that she wants to either put Kakashi in Gai’s path or keep him out of it?

His head hurts.

Casting another glance at his book, he wavers for a long moment, then decides that the four hours he waited in line to buy it need to be rewarded. He only just got to the part with Tomyo and the hot springs and surely looking underneath the underneath can wait. For now, he’ll avoid Ichiraku entirely and finish reading in peace.

 

(Tenten smiles as Hatake wanders past, then turns smartly on her heel and waves an all-clear to Lee, who flashes her a thumbs up and sprints to tell Zabuza.

“Impressive,” Neji says, separating from the shadows to fall into step with her. “How did you know what he was going to do?”

Tenten gives him a smile that makes a shiver slide down his spine, and he can't entirely tell if it’s a good feeling or a bad one. “That’s the newest Icha Icha book and it only came out this morning. Of course he wasn’t going to challenge Gai with _that_ to distract him.”

Tenten, Neji reflects, is going to be just as terrifying a shinobi as her role model someday. At the very least, watching her get there won't be boring.)

 

Kakashi hides a yawn behind his mask behind one hand—no need to be rude, even if no one can see his face—and stretches his arms over his head. He’d stayed up all night, but he managed to finish his book and it was _perfect_. Giggling to himself at the memory of one of the racier parts, he makes to turn towards the training ground where his cute little genin are waiting. Have been waiting. Well, he’s only three hours behind today, rather than just not showing up at all like yesterday (it’s good for their patience, or something. Probably), so they should count their blessings.

“Hatake, wait!”

Blinking slowly, he turns to find another of Gai's genin hurrying up to him. This one is also alone, and he looks vaguely irritated. Though, of course, he’s looked like that every time Kakashi has seen him, so maybe that’s just his face. Kakashi certainly isn’t one to judge.

“Good morning, Lee,” he says amiably, coming to a halt so the boy can catch up.

A muscle in the genin’s jaw twitches. “I'm _Hyuuga Neji_ ,” he corrects sharply. “And it’s _afternoon_.”

“So it is,” Kakashi agrees cheerfully.

Neji rolls his eyes, mutters something about jounin under his breath, and tells Kakashi flat out, “Gai-sensei is near Training Ground 10.”

Kakashi perks up faintly. He is? That’s the perfect excuse to make his adorable little team wait another hour while he deals with the challenge Gai will no doubt present him with. It’s lovely how the world comes into alignment sometimes.

“Thanks, Lee,” he says happily, ignoring Neji's irritated _It’s Neji!_ “I’ll make sure to avoid that area.” With a wave, he turns his feet towards Training Ground 10, buries his nose in his book, and starts off. Gai will find him. He always does.

 

(“All set?” Neji asks Lee as he comes loping up.

“Yosh!” Lee gives him a thumbs up and a grin. “Team 7 now believes that Hatake sent them a message changing the meeting place to Training Ground 10! They will ambush him there!”

It’s a clever tactic, Neji admits, lifting a hand to signal Tenten. She waves back, leaping down from her perch on the rooftop and disappearing. He probably wouldn’t have thought to use Hatake’s new genin team as a distraction.

“Clever,” he says, rather begrudgingly.

Lee beams at him. “Thank you, Neji! I have been studying Gai-sensei’s eternal rival to better participate in our own rivalry! It is truly glorious to use my manly wits in this manner! Truly a shinobi’s duty!”

Neji is about seventy percent certain that _matchmaking_ doesn’t fall under a shinobi’s usual skillset, but. It’s _Gai_. Gai with someone sexually interested in him, and as little as Neji ever wants to think about that _at all_ , it’s…maybe sort of possible that he isn’t entirely opposed to the idea of someone making Gai happy.

“You still can't beat me in a spar,” he says, slightly grumpier than he intends, and Lee laughs, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

“That’s why you're my rival,” he agrees.)

 

There's a unfamiliar swordsman in the market. Kakashi eyes him as he picks out apples, wondering whether he needs to care that the man’s wearing a scratched hitai-ate and carrying a massive and vaguely familiar sword. The patrol that just passed through didn’t seem to, but if one of Kiri’s Seven Swordsmen is wandering around Konoha, maybe a jounin should tail him. Or two.

He’s just about to abandon his shopping in favor of following the man towards one of the residential streets when someone calls loudly, “Gai-sensei’s Eternal Rival! Good afternoon!”

“Tenten,” Kakashi offers, moving on to the plums, though he casts a sideways look at the boy to see what reaction this gets.

Sadly, all he does is beam. “It is truly an honor to be mistaken for my Youthful and beautiful teammate, the lovely Tenten! However, I am Rock Lee, though just as Youthful!”

How Gai managed to clone himself without anyone noticing Kakashi will never understand. “Sorry,” he says blandly. “Was there something you needed from me?”

“Yosh! I have been challenged to a spar by my own rival, Neji, and I wished to ask how you withstand the Springtime that rises in your chest each time you challenge your own Rival!” Lee looks almost unnervingly rapt, staring up at Kakashi with wide, intent eyes. “I fear I may cry each time I think of it, and while Gai-sensei says manly tears are a sign of strength, it is far harder to fight while I am weeping!”

“I’m going to leave,” Kakashi says, backing away. “Good night, Lee.”

“Good night, Gai-sensei’s Eternal Rival!”

Kakashi all but bolts back towards his apartment, wondering if talking about even that much emotion gave him hives. Best not to risk it any further, though. Who knows what could happen if he let Lee keep going? Kakashi might have even been forced to have an emotion of his _own_.

Kakashi shudders. A fate he would give almost anything not to suffer, honestly.

In the face of his close call, the swordsman is entirely forgotten.

 

(“Just in time, Lee, nice save!” Tenten says cheerfully, ducking out from behind the next booth over. “And that was the perfect topic, Neji. Good choice.”

Hatake runs from the possibility of emotions about as fast as Neji does from the mention of family, and it’s not like it takes all of Neji's well-earned genius to see it. He’s not about to _say_ that, though, so he crosses his arms over his chest with a huff and pointedly looks away.

“How much longer are we going to have to keep this up?” he complains. “It’s already been a week.”

“Tonight’s the big night.” Tenten checks her watch. “Gai-sensei said he was cooking dinner for Zabuza, and he should be taking things out of the oven just about now.”

Neji prefers to think of that as attention to detail, rather than creepily in-depth knowledge of Gai's schedule. He nods, determinedly does not consider what could possibly happen after dinner with both of them in Gai's apartment and Zabuza getting impatient about the slow part of the seduction, and turns on his heel. “Then I'm going—”

“To get dango with us!” Tenten hooks her arm through one of his, and a moment later Lee takes the other.

“Yosh!” he says brightly. “Our mission has been completed successfully! We make a perfect team, full of Youth and cunning!”

Well, it’s not like Neji can actually argue with that. He was planning to say _home_ , but…

Dango sounds like a decent idea right now, actually.)

 

Gai is kissing the swordsman from the market.

Kakashi stares for a long, long moment, subtly twists his fingers into the ram seal to check for genjutsus, and finally decides that Gai playing tonsil hockey with a muscular stranger is not the weirdest thing he’s ever seen Gai do. Honestly, it hardly even makes the top ten. Maybe top twenty, if Kakashi is _really_ being honest with himself.

He clears his throat—maybe a little pointedly, because that kiss is looking tender and affectionate and _ew_ , what if he gets it all over him—but they don’t even have the decency to startle apart like teenagers caught necking. Instead, Gai wheels around with a smile brilliant enough to blind, and cries, “My Eternal Rival! You are just in time to meet my second eternal rival! And my life partner!”

 _Life partner_ , Kakashi thinks, a little disbelieving. Did his team get him a mail-order bride or something? A _missing-nin_ mail order bride? Did _Aoba_? It’s well past both April Fool’s Day and Gai's birthday, but that’s never stopped Aoba before.

The swordsman is staring at him narrowly, tense and clearly ready to fight, and from the way his eyes slide over Kakashi’s mask and covered eye, he knows _exactly_ who Kakashi is. He’s not backing down, though, and that’s probably a good sign. Or it’s a sign that he’s crazy enough to keep up with Gai. Does that count as good? Kakashi isn’t entirely sure.

In this situation, there's only one possible response. Kakashi pulls out his book and flips it open. “Yo,” he says.

The swordsman doesn’t blink, even when Gai suddenly and explosively bursts into tears. “My Eternal Rival! You are so hip and cool! Truly, I aspire to be as cool as you someday!”

“…Hatake,” the missing-nin says, like he’s putting pieces together. “You're Hatake Kakashi. The Copy-Nin.”

“I could be.” Kakashi eyes him, but he looks mostly baffled rather than aggressive, and he doesn’t seem to mind the fact that Gai is clinging to him and crying all over his shoulder about how hip Kakashi is. And…well. Clearly Gai's gotten attached, and he has good instincts where people are concerned. _And_ he managed to get the Hokage to allow the man in, so Kakashi is going to assume this situation is fine until he’s proven otherwise.

To his surprise, the man starts to grin, showing filed teeth that mean he’s _definitely_ a renegade Swordsman. “Hey now, I've heard you're good. We should have a match sometime. Momochi Zabuza.”

“Ah!” Gai cries, clasping his hands to his chest as he sobs. Manfully, probably, but Kakashi has never quite learned to tell the difference between that and regular crying, despite repeated exposure. “My two eternal rivals are getting along! This is a joyful day! May the Fires of Youth burn in your hearts as you indulge in a match that will inspire all of Konoha!”

Oh gods, Kakashi thinks a little faintly, eye flickering between Gai and Zabuza. Now there are _two_ of them.

He’s never going to have time to read between all the challenges.


End file.
